An early Christmas present

Before today, I was scared. 

10 years ago, I went to Dalat to spend Christmas with my then boyfriend and a huge group of friends. Now, I’m here again with a smaller group of friends, some closer to me and some I haven’t spent much time with. 

I was scared that I would drown in memories. I was scared that I would once again spiral into the same desperation that urged me to leave Vietnam in 2012. Lots of people know bits and pieces of my past Vietnam life but maybe not so many people know the depths of my depression back then. 

I was scared of ghosts. I was scared of being pulled back. I was scared that I wasn’t ready.

Yet now, as I sit here by Xuan Huong Lake, enjoying the chilly air and the strains of jazz from a random local musician, I experience catharsis. I am whatever version of Angela I am now. With all the gifts and imperfections that I come with.

This year I experienced the deepest loss I’ve experienced in my life. The past  two years have completely changed the world as I know it. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my insecurities, anxieties and dilemmas. Not that I’ve resolved them, I’ve just accepted that some might be here to stay. So I do what I must. I do what I can.

Christmas seems like a good time as any to do experience nostalgia, and to feel my feelings. Weirdly enough, I haven’t cried as much as I usually do this year. So I cry today because like my dad said, tears can cleanse.